The Shinobi's Guide to Internet
by MattsyKun
Summary: The tenth Shinobi's Guide! Sure, you've heard of ISAFE, your parents lecture you on the dangers of the Internet... but the danger has never been as real as this! ON HIATUS UNTIL MY WRITER'S BLOCK IS KILLED DEAD!
1. Chapter 1

Hey! MattsyKun here. I asked Kaori if I could write a few Shinobi Guides, and she agreed. After all, she's one of my best friends. Check out the other nine if you want… I COMAAAAAND YOU!!

I was inspired to write this after installing and registering my new Microsoft Office 2007 on my computer. It was a pain doing it by phone… but that's what happens when the computer you've customized as your own has no internet.

I don't own Naruto. I only own Miyuki and her dog Shiro. Any concepts that you may recognize from the first nine Shinobi guides (i.e. Sarutobi Hachiko, the Scroll of Dubious Jutsu), I don't own. They belong to Kaori. Go away, Mr. Edgeworth. Go do the Caramelldansen with Mr. Wright.

_The Shinobi's Guide to Internet_

_Chapter 1: Chain Letter of DOOM_

_By MattsyKun the Ninja Alchemist_

Tsunade sat down at her new computer. She had spent some of Konoha's Entertainment Fund on a new laptop to ease the pain of paperwork. Apparently they have refrigerators and headsets, too, as well as computers. The Godaime logged into her account. There were a few icons on her desktop: Hokage's Documents, Die In a Fire Box, Konohanet (The Konoha Equivalent of Internet), Hokage's Pictures, and Konoyahoo (0)! Email. Tsunade then logged into her email as (1) and looked at her inbox.

"Spam, spam, spam, a tuna, spam spam tuna tuna (2)… mission requests, spam, spam, e-card from sukebe… what's this?" the Hokage asked, raising an eyebrow. It was titled "PAY ATTENTION TO THIS EMAIL!!" and was labeled urgent. She looked at the email address to see if she could recognize it: it came from a Konoyahoo group, but the email addresses she could not recognize.

"dangolover5 and imperialvisit4 (3)? Don't recognize them… oh, well, what harm could it do?" Tsunade shrugged. She opened the email and read it aloud.

"**Dear Fortunate Shinobi,**

**YOU'VE JUST ONE 100000000 RYOU!**

**Psych! (Lol, I bet you were looking forward to the money, weren't you?)**

**You have been hit with the CHAIN LETTER OF DOOM! Send it on to someone who has not yet received this, and you can evade elimination. If you do not forward or delete this message, at 0:00 sharp, an enemy ninja (who it is is a surprise ) will appear on your ceiling, fall on you according to the laws of physics, and begin to unleash Jutsu that you may recognize. If you send it to more than 20 people, one person (of our choice) will be saved, whether they are the one who is most unfortunate or not.**

**See how many people you can forward this to before someone can't forward nomores!**

**Fancy Seal Thing**

**Dangolover5 and imperialvisit4**"

The hokage must not have seen the seal mark at the end of the email before the two usernames. She had the email addresses of every single Shinobi in the village, so why not send it to a few? She clicked the little "forward" button at the end and chose one email address.

"." Tsunade said, "Perfect. Now, to change my wallpaper… The leaf village symbol background is a little bit drab, if you ask me… a picture of some slots or pachinko would be nice…"

The ramen loving jinchuuriki was currently surfing the internet with his slooooow dial-up. Dial-up is the slowest thing on the planet. Even though he lived right next to the internet base… tower… thingy, his internet was slow.

"YOU'VE GOT MAIL! DATTEBAYO!" his AOL account yelled obnoxiously (much like Naruto himself; someone passing by his window might have thought it was Naruto instead of the computer). Naruto covered his ears and turned down the volume before reading the email.

"Hm…" Naruto said as he read the chain letter. "Tsunade-obaachan sent this to me… that's weird…"

Naruto, like Tsunade before him, didn't see the little sealed mark before the usernames, and instead sent it on to Sakura, thinking she would send it to Sasuke. He thought about sending it to the pervy sage or Ebisu, but then he thought that if they couldn't send the email, he would be able to get his revenge, and the closet pervert and the sage pervert would never know. Indirect revenge is a good thing.

Meanwhile, in a little house on the outskirts of Konoha…

Anko**Mitarashi and Miyuki Tomi were laughing at their evil creation. The ANBU and the Jonin had nothing better to do with their time, so they made a chain letter.**

**"Do you think the Tegami Bachi no Jutsu will work?" Anko asked, taking a bite of her dango. Miyuki grinned like a madwoman. The Jonin was a master of sealing jutsus.**

**"I believe so. I made it, after all.**

**What is the Tegami Bachi no Jutsu, you ask? It was a jutsu that Miyuki had created upon getting her first computer. It was like Sarutobi Hachiko's Divine Retribution no Jutsu, just over email. And the results could kill the last person to receive the email. Basically if the person didn't forward the email, an alert would be sent to the person who cast the jutsu's email. The user would then release the seal on the original email, and the object (or in this case, person) would appear out of thin air on the ceiling and land on the victim. The person would then begin firing off jutsu, whether he or she wanted to or not. The jutsu had been added to the Scroll of Dubious Jutsu by the third Hokage, and hadn't been used until now. It had been Anko's idea to use the jutsu, and Miyuki's idea to put it on a chain letter, because people love passing on chain letters. It was Konoha's pastime, like baseball is America's pastime.**

**"Kukuku… Naruto was right, laughing like Orochimaru is fun! Kukuku!" Anko chuckled.**

**"I prefer my own evil laugh. Mufufufufu… KWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Miyuki laughed evilly.**

**In the meantime, the main section of Konoha was in chaos. Neji spit out his tea all over his iMac after noticing the seal mark on the chain letter. The population of Shinobi that hadn't received the letter was growing very very thin... so thin it would soon be 2D, nay, 1D. Yes, 1D. A dot. It would be pixel-thin. Hehe… pixel…**

**Surprisingly, Sakura didn't send the chain letter to Sasuke, but sent it to Ino instead. Why? Because the obsessed Sasuke fangirl knew that Sasuke wouldn't bother forwarding the email, and with his luck, Itachi would land on him and begin to kill him slowly, and the obsessed Sasuke fangirls wouldn't have that. Ino had sent it to Shikamaru, who sent it to Choji, who sent it to Asuma, who sent it to Kurenai, who forwarded it to Shino, who didn't say anything but sent it to Kiba, who sent it to Hinata, who spazzed quietly but sent it to Neji, who spewed tea everywhere and sent it to Tenten, who sent it to Lee, who gushed about how unyouthful the letter was and forwarded it to Gai, who sent it to his "eternal rival" Kakashi, who simply blinked and sent it to Genma and the ANBU (afterwards he resumed watching his porn on the internet I mean looked up training exercises), who forwarded it to Kotetsu, who sent it to Izumo, who couldn't think of anyone else to send it to and sent it to Shizune. Shizune then proceeded to lecture the Hokage about how chain letters could carry viruses upon receiving the chain letter of DOOM.**

**"And lastly, this thing has a seal on it! What were you thinking, sending it?!"**

**"Shizune, if you don't forward it that could be you that will feel the effects of the email. Besides, I don't have anything better to do…" Tsunade said, taking a drink of her sake, which Shizune snatched from her hands.**

**"You have paperwork to do!" she said. Tsunade wilted but grudgingly went worked on the paperwork as Shizune went back to her laptop.**

**"Besides, there's no one else I can send it to."**

**"Read off the list of people." Tsunade said, signing a piece of random paperwork. If she had looked closely at it, underneath the genjutsu, it was an acceptance form for high-speed internet that Naruto had cleverly disguised with the "help" of Kakashi (AKA Blackmail and the threat to burn all of his Icha Icha paraphernalia).**

**"Um… You, Naruto, Sakura, Ino, Shikamaru, Choji, Asuma, Konohamaru, Iruka, Kakashi, Gai, Lee, Kurenai, Shino, Kiba, Hinata, Neji, Hiashi, Hiroshi, Tenten, Genma, Kotetsu, Izumo and me. It seems like Iruka sent it to the civilian masses and Kakashi sent it to the ANBU. I think Kurenai and Asuma sent it to the rest of the Shinobi population in the village. " Shizune said, looking at the two pages of email addresses.**

**"The only person left that hasn't gotten it is Sasuke." Tsunade said.**

**Shizune then forwarded the email onto the Emo kid.**

**Sasuke was training when he heard his computer let out an annoying beep, signaling that he had gotten a new email. The Uchiha read the email, and noticed the entire list of people that had received the email. He looked in his address book to see if there was someone who hadn't received the email.**

**There was…**

**Sasuke started to laugh evilly. Not Orochimaru's patented "Kukuku", but an all new, evil laugh that would be heard sometime in the Shippuden episodes. As Sasuke hit the send button, he started laughing manically.**

**"At last! It is complete!" Sasuke yelled, and then proceeded to laugh like a crazy person who had just broke out of the Loony Bin and was now wreaking havoc throughout the streets of New York. Or like Light Yagami in the last episode of Death Note. God that had me rotflmao.**

**"BE QUIET OUT THERE!" a random female Jonin shouted, throwing a dictionary and clocking Sasuke in the head with it. Sasuke crumpled to the ground but laughed feebly before passing out.**

_I got the idea for this chapter from a Bleach fanfic called "Pass It On". Basically Urahara sent a chain letter that at the stroke of midnight, Rukia would appear, draw her Zanpakuto, and start whaling on the poor soul who didn't send the email (which happened to be Ichigo). Kudos to the guy that wrote it._

(0) It's the Konoha equivalent of Yahoo. The idea is the "y" is silent, so it sounds something like Konowahoo. I think…

(1) Tsunade's email translates to Legendary Sucker.

(2) Bensolo's Fullmetal Alchemist Abridged Movie. My favorite line: "F-- up number one: YOU ATE ALL OF MY F--NG TUNAAAA! NOW I HAVE TO EAT F--ING SPAM!!"

(3) the first one is Anko, obviously. Miyuki's name really means "Silence of deep snow" (according to a baby name book I checked out from the library), but when I put it into my computer Japanese dictionary, it came out as Imperial Visit.

Who did the clearly insane Sasuke send the chain letter to? You'll just have to wait and see, next time on the cracklicious show… I mean chapter… of The Shinobi's Guide to the Internet! This is your host Ranger MattsyKun saying, the gates to the temple of champions have been sealed! Whoops, that's Unbeatable Banzuke… I mean… Oh, forget it. Let's just go with that.


	2. Chapter 2

Internet Rule 19: The more you hate it, the stronger it gets

Internet Rule 19: The more you hate it, the stronger it gets.

Guess Sasuke's never gonna beat Itachi, is he? (Shifty eyes, exits out of Naruto Shippuden manga)

Also, sorry if my updates seem slower than usual. I just got a job, so the only time I have to write is in the morning and the three hours between leaving work and going to bed. I have to keep little kids entertained for two hours (or longer, it really depends). Good thing I have band camp for the next two weeks, so I have plenty of time to write when I'm not baking myself while marching and giving myself an uneven tan between my legs and my feet. Stupid rule about not being able to wear flip flops... Besides, I'm doing a Shinobi's Guide AND my Soul Reaper's Guide (for Bleach), and I'm at the same point with both.

I might take this into the Shippuden. Emphasis on MIGHT. It's just that there's something in the Shippuden I want to implement here involving Itachi. If you've read the manga, you understand.

Okay, scratch that. I have BARELY any time to type right now, because Band Cam is exhausting. I can't wait to dunk someone in the dunking tank though… Kukuku…

_The Shinobi's Guide to the Internet__  
__Chapter 2: Tick Tock, Doom Clock__  
__By MattsyKun the Ninja Alchemist_

In the depths of some place next to the rain village is a hidden headquarters of the most evil, dangerous, and hazardous ninja organization to ever exist.

"Oh, no! I burnt my brownies!"

"YOU FAIL! EPIC FAIL NO JUTSU!"

"AAAAAAGGGHHHHHHH!! IT BURNS! TURN IT OFF! OFF!! (1)"

In case you were wondering, I was referring to the Akatsuki.

The Akatsuki was actually enjoying some down time. Deidara, Sasori, and Hidan were playing "Pin the exploding clay tail on the Tobi" (Tobi had managed to escape...for now), Kazuku was looking at the Akatsuki's funds records, Pein was prank calling random villages (especially Otogakure; Orochimaru fell for it so easily), Zetzu was trying to find random subordinates to eat for his dinner, Kisame was nowhere to be found, and Itachi was in his room meditating.

Well, the Uchiha wasn't really meditating, but indulging in one of his guilty pleasures, which was watching episodes of The Young and the Shurikenless on NinjaTube. The former Leaf ninja was chewing on a handkerchief and tears were streaming down his face. (2)

"_You traitorous bastard! I thought you loved me!"_

"_No, no! Misao, it's not like that! She means nothing to me!"_

"_No! I saw her! You were kissing her! You love her!"_

"_Misao, Kiyoraka is nothing! It wasn't what it looked like!"_

"_You pretended that you loved me, Jun! I said I loved only you! You cheating bastard!"_

"_Misao... Misao, put that katana down! AAACCCKKKK!"_

"Why did you do it, Misao?! You should have listened!" Itachi whispered, tears now falling down his face like waterfalls.

"_Oh, no... what have I done? Jun! Jun, please! I'm sorry! Don't die!"_

"_Misao... I just...want you...to know... I'm...gay."_

_THUD._

"_JUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!1"_

The credits began rolling, and Itachi blew his nose, wiping the tears from his face. Who would have thought that The Young and the Shurikenless would make the great Uchiha Itachi cry?

Itachi's computer let out a beep, signaling he had received an email. It was 11:59 pm. He opened the email and read it. It was from Sasuke, and by the looks of it, a chain letter.

"Foolish little brother..." Itachi grumbled in a not-so-manly voice (it would be hard for you, too, if you were sobbing your eyes out). He looked at the time and gasped.

He only had 10 seconds to send the email.

Itachi hurriedly clicked the forward button. There was only one person he could send it to. He couldn't risk sending it to another Akatsuki member. It had to go back to the village, to the only other person who had not gotten the email.

7...6...5...

"Damnit!" Itachi cursed his slow internet connection. The Akatsuki had poor service where their headquarters was located.

4...3...2...1...

The message "Email Sent" flashed on his screen.

But had he been too late?

Suddenly, a heavy something fell on top of Itachi. The Uchiha was promptly crushed by a certain mist ninja.

"Kisame! What the hell?!" Itachi shouted.

"Oh, sorry, Itachi-san. I was spying on you while you were watching the Young and the Shurikenless... your expressions are priceless... Itachi? Itachi, are you okay?"

Itachi had passed out, his eyes in the back of his head. Kisame picked up his partner and laid him on his bed before leaving.

"Jeez, what's up with him?"

As it turns out, Itachi was successful in sending the email before it was too late. I wonder who the poor sap who got the email was...?

Jiraiya yawned and blinked at his computer screen. He had been up late "researching inspiration for his book" when his computer bleeped. Annoyed (and sleepy), the Ero-Sennin opened his Konoyahoo account and opened the one email in his inbox.

Oh. My sympathy has disappeared.

"...Oh. What time is it?" Jiraiya said tiredly. He looked at the clock on his computer.

12:00 AM.

A few things happened in quick succession. Jiraiya stood up abruptly from his computer, knocking the chair over. At the same time, he felt someone's presence on his ceiling. He tried to make a run for the door, but 'twas to late.

Jiraiya was caught off balance as the someone fell on top of him. He looked up and saw a lot of chest. A lot.

"Tsunade, what a surprise." Jiraiya said with a small grin.

"Sukebe, what's going on?" Tsunade asked as she punched Jiraiya in the gut.

"You mean you don't know about the email?" Jiraiya said to his fellow Sennin. Tsunade raised her leg and kicked Jiraiya so hard he went flying out his door and into the street.

"Oh, that email! You couldn't send it to someone?"

"The address was ! I think it was Itachi!" Jiraiya howled as he was sent flying through a poor civilian's house.

"He sent it to you at the last minute?"

"Yeah AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Jiraiya yelled as he was sent through a brick wall, "Can't you go easy on me?!"

"I'm trying! I'm trying!" The Hokage said, kicking him over two houses.

In the little house on the edge of the village, Anko and Miyuki were laughing at Jiraiya's misfortune. They had "borrowed" Tsunade's crystal ball and were now watching the show (complete with sour straws and nacho cheese). They watched as the pervy Sennin was sent flying over the village.

"Hm, I think we're going too easy on him." Miyuki frowned as Tsunade seemed to teleport and punch Jiraiya in the face.

"What do you mean?" Anko asked as Miyuki got up from her position in front of the computer. "...What are you doing?"

"Um, hypothetically speaking, what would you do if I hypothetically stole the Scroll of Dubious Jutsu?" Miyuki asked.

"I would hypothetically do nothing if it had something to do with this." Anko said, pointing to the computer.

"Oh, great, cause I stole it." Miyuki said, pulling the scroll out of her closet. Anko sighed and shook her head. The Jounin was a lot like Naruto in some cases.

"I think the Mob of Angry Women no Jutsu (3) will work quite well, don't you?" Miyuki said, a fox-like grin spreading across her face. Anko grinned. Miyuki was a genius.

"How is this going to work?"

"Quite easily. All I have to do is send the original email again, only this time with the second jutsu after the seal. That way, wherever Jiraiya lands..."

Anko burst into laughter. "That's great! How did you become so great at using Internet Jutsu?"

"I don't know. I accidentally found out at the academy that it's possible to send certain jutsu through the internet." Miyuki shrugged, sitting back at the computer. She typed the name of the jutsu and the hand signs in the email and sent it to 

Jiraiya was crawling away from Tsunade (or at least attempting to) when Tsunade gave him a swift kick to the rear. He was sent flying into an abandoned house.

Or so he thought.

Jiraiya fell through the ceiling and landed in the bathroom. Groaning, the pervy sage sat up and rubbed his head. "I haven't received a beat-down like this since... back in the day (4)." He mumbled to nobody in particular. He looked at his surroundings. There was a porcelain tub next to him. As Jiraiya pushed himself up, a high-pitched scream came from next to him.

"YOU PERVERT! EEEEEEK! HELP! HELP!"

Jiraiya's eyes widened as he saw a beautiful woman in the tub. She had a towel wrapped around her and looked thoroughly pissed.

"Uh-Uh-Uh..." Jiraiya stammered. The woman began throwing random objects at him, including bricks and a sink.

This pattern continued. Jiraiya would be kicked by Tsunade into an empty bathroom, where a woman would randomly appear out of seemingly thin air. The woman would then proceed to scream and throw things before beating on him. Jiraiya now had a nicely sized mob of angry women chasing him around the village, headed by Tsunade. The Ero-Sennin had even landed in Kurenai's bathroom, and had been tortured through genjutsu.

Finally dawn broke and the angry mob left for their homes. Tsunade blinked and left for Hokage Tower, leaving Jiraiya twitching in the middle of the street.

"Why... why did this happen to me?" Jiraiya whispered before passing out.

Meanwhile, in the little house on the edge of the village, Miyuki and Anko were still cracking up about Tsunade whaling on Jiraiya. Shiro, Miyuki's ninken, was howling in laughter. A messenger pigeon was sitting on the windowsill, cheeping angrily at the trio.

"How did you know that Jiraiya would get the email in the first place?" Anko asked, wiping tears from her eyes.

"A lucky guess?" Miyuki grinned, taking the piece of paper tied to the messenger pigeon's leg and reading it, "Oh. I think that bird's been sitting there for a while. Let's get going before Tsunade wonders what we were doing." Miyuki said.

(1) This is my friend Taylor (AKA Daryl)'s jutsu. He said it was for a T-shirt idea, and I said I would totally make a t-shirt that said that. I still don't know the details of the jutsu, though. According to him, my new nickname's Keflavik. (Pronounced Keh-Flay-Vic) We recently came up with a hand sign for the jutsu as well; a thumbs down for an epic fail. The Epic Win no Jutsu is a thumbs up. I might translate Epic Fail and Epic Win into Japanese and use that for the jutsu.

(2) I might do a comic of this. I don't know why, but it seems cute. And I'm planning on writing an entire season of The Young and the Shurikenless.

(3) The Mob of Angry Women no Jutsu was a jutsu at the end of the Scroll of Dubious Jutsu. Naruto didn't get a chance to test it out. It's like the Divine Retribution no Jutsu with a homing device and angry women. It's classified as an Internet Jutsu simply because it can be cast over email. The victim receives the email. Wherever they go (or in Jiraiya's case, wherever he lands) an angry woman will appear in a towel and begin to throw random objects at the victim. The victim will try to run and the woman will follow. This process keeps repeating until the jutsu wears off or the victim dies, whichever happens first. Once this jutsu is sent over the email, it's unavoidable, even if you go to the most isolated corner of the earth.

(4) Even though I'm just a junior in high school, I use the term "Back in the day" often in daily speech.

What are Anko and Miyuki up to now? Why was Ebisu the only one in the village to not receive the email? Will the village be in one piece when this is all over? Wait to find out!


	3. Chapter 3

Gyakuten Saiban FTW! I just downloaded some of the Gyakuten Saiban Orchestra Album, and Mitsurugi Reiji's (Miles Edgeworth) song and the Steel Samurai song are the best! I'm a band geek, so I would love to play these for a concert! (By the way, Gyakuten Saiban is Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney) I'm excited for the Perfect Prosecutor that's supposed to come out. I'm totally going to buy it!

ISAFE is an Internet safety presentation I had to do in middle school. They talk about the dangers of the Internet, like predators and not to give out your real name. But this ISAFE is a lot different…

A few things: I have changed my username! My "State Alchemist Codename" for the Risembool Rangers is The Epic Fail Alchemist, because of the jutsu I'm introducing here. It is…

EPIC FAIL NO JUTSU! (This jutsu does have a Japanese name, I just can't remember it right now)

How does it work? You'll have to read on to find out!

_The Shinobi's Guide to Internet_

_Chapter 3: ISAFE: The Ninja Way!_

_By MattsyKun the Epic Fail Alchemist_

"WHAAAAT?!"

Tsunade's eye twitched. The Hokage really hated repeating herself. "Because of… recent events, we are requiring all the Genin (and Shikamaru) to take an ISAFE class. You are to assist Iruka in teaching." She sighed, "Here are the mission requirements."

Anko took the folder Tsunade was holding out to her grudgingly. "I'm an ANBU! Why in the hell am I doing this mission?!" Anko argued. The village was still in shambles from Orochimaru's attack; she should be spending time trying to find the Hebi-Sennin (1), not teaching Genin about computers.

"You do it or be with Ibiki for a day. End of story." Tsunade said flatly. Miyuki held in a snicker. The two left the Hokage's office, Anko grumbling about the stupidity of the mission.

"Do you really think that class will work?" Tsunade asked, "And why did you suggest I threaten Anko?"

"Well, it is important that they learn to recognize and avoid Internet Jutsu…" Shizune said, avoiding the last question.

Tsunade leaned back in her chair. "Well, I deserve a little something for going along with this. Hand me my booze!" she said, hand out expectantly. Shizune sighed.

_With Team Kakashi…_

"Why is Tsunade-obaachan making us take this stupid class?!" Naruto griped. He ducked as an office chair went flying over his head. A minute later Genma came running past to fetch said chair.

"I agree. How is this going to make me stronger?" Sasuke said.

"Now, now, Sasuke. Miyuki and Anko said that it will heighten your awareness so you don't fall predator to Internet attacks." Kakashi said, "Besides, it's an order. Either you do it or you get sent to the academy."

"But Kakashi-sensei, we are heading to the academy…" Sakura said. Kakashi would have smacked his forehead at this point.

"Never mind…"

_With Team Kurenai…_

"W…why are we taking this class again?" Hinata asked.

"The Hokage ordered us to." Shino said

"So what will we be doing? Listen to a lecture about the Internet?" Kiba asked, "I hate lectures!" Akamaru barked in agreement.

"You will be learning about the dangers of the Internet. I believe you'll also do some role-playing. That's what Miyuki said, anyway." Kurenai said, "For all I know, you could be doing a dangerous obstacle course in the Forest of Death. Miyuki was never one to tell the truth."

Kiba and Hinata gulped. Shino just… kind of stood there, because he is the Lamppost Ninja. In fact, his clan isn't the Aburame Clan, it's the Lamppost Clan. But that's enough of that.

_With Team Asuma…_

"This is really a drag…" Shikamaru sighed, staring up at the clouds. The Chûnin would rather be sleeping right now instead of taking a troublesome class about Internet Safety.

"(Om, nom nom)," Chouji said, "I think it'll be good for us, Shikamaru. It'll make you more aware."

"I don't care. As long as I get to see my Sasuke-kun!" Ino sighed, staring at a picture she had of Sasuke. It was a picture of Sasuke from when he had to play the role of Jun and he was wearing makeup and was in drag. (2) Orochimaru would kill for that picture…

"…Sigh…" Shikamaru said.

_With Team Gai…_

"YES!" Lee shouted upon hearing the news about their "mission", "SO YOUTHFUL!"

Neji and Tenten just gave each other a look and took a few steps away from Lee.

"Why are we being made to do this?" Neji grumbled, not happy that he would be trapped in the same room with Asshat (3) for who knows how long.

"The Hokage believes that it is in your best interest to learn about the modern use of jutsu over the Internet! My, how things have grown! When I was more youthful (back in the day), we didn't have computers! Now, you get to experience a whole new skill that may save your life!" Gai rambled. Tenten and Neji took another step away, both thinking the same thing.

_Why couldn't our team be normal?_

Thirty minutes later, the Genin (and Shika) were sitting in the classroom, waiting for their teachers to arrive. Naruto was doodling on the desk, Sasuke was emo-ing up the corner (Emo; it's what he does), Sakura was arguing with Ino over Sasuke, Hinata was blushing and looking at Naruto's drawing, Shikamaru was sleeping, Chouji was eating, Kiba was conversing with Akamaru, Shino remained impassive, Neji was glaring at Sasuke, Lee was attempting to lure a squirrel to him (who knows why?), and Tenten was polishing a kunai.

Suddenly the door banged open, startling the group. Miyuki walked in, dragging Anko behind her. Anko obviously didn't want to be there; in fact, she wanted to be miles away from the place. Iruka came in after them carrying a laptop and equipment.

"Ah, Ruka-kun, just place that on the table there." Miyuki said. She turned to the class and scowled at Shikamaru, who didn't even wake. She picked up Iruka's ruler and marched up to the lazy Chûnin.

CRACK!

Shikamaru jumped at least five feet in the air. Miyuki has slammed the ruler down in front of his face so hard that the ruler snapped in half. The broken half went flying and struck the squirrel in the head, knocking it off of the ledge Lee had managed to lure it to.

"Well, now that everyone's awake, welcome to ISAFE 101. The three of us will be teaching you how to recognize, and prevent, Internet Attacks." Miyuki said.

"Now, I'll let you know that I am a very strict teacher. Hence the reason I don't teach. If I catch you dozing off or emo-ing off, you will be disciplined. There is some shit up with which I will not put (4), and if I catch it… let's just say you won't like the consequences." The Jonin said darkly.

The group gulped.

"Now, let's begin with the first lesson!" Miyuki said cheerfully. The entire group sweatdropped; this was going to be a hell of a wild ride.

Kukuku… what's the first lesson going to be? I don't know. I'll have to look up the ISAFE presentation. But it will be… THE NINJA WAY! (Insert fanfare here)

Also, Miyuki is very fond of Iruka. They were assigned to a team together back in the day, and she grew to love him. So yeah.

(1) Snake Sennin, AKA Orochimaru.

(2) See the Shinobi's Guide to Television.

(3) If you've red Kaori's fanfic Where the Hell Are We Now!, this is the nickname Sasuke gets. I personally fell off of my bed and almost killed my cell phone when I read that and I've called Sasuke Asshat ever since. It fits him too well, doesn't it?

(4) Scary Movie 4 reference. Probably my favorite line from that movie.


End file.
